Has it been several weeks or months since you’ve last had sex with your partner?
Do you find that you are lately not in the mood and sex is the last thing on your mind?
Do you feel you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner the way you used to be?
If you are nodding your head at any of these questions, chances are that you are going through a 'sex drought’ and that it is time to reawaken your sexual desire.
Don’t worry! It’s completely normal to go through a period of time with less sex. The good news is that there are many ways you can get things juicy again between you and your lover..
When you first meet someone, sex is at its peak due to the chemical PEA, the love chemical that gets released in the brain. You probably know the feeling all too well, when you have this intense chemistry and craving to be physically close, and you just can’t keep your hands off each other! After about 2 years the chemical slowly starts to decrease. This doesn't mean you no longer want to have sex with your partner, but it requires a bit more of an effort to keep things hot and spicy in the bedroom.
Often comfort starts to set in too, and the things that we used to make an effort on start to slowly fade. I am sure we can all feel guilty of that at some point, whether in a current or past relationship.
The loss of erotic presence in a relationship is the reason sex stops, and I want you to try to focus on fixing the cause and not the effect.
With our myriad of stresses and commitments, sex is not always going to be our priority and that is also absolutely fine. But, the loss of erotic presence in a relationship is the reason sex stops, and I want you to try to focus on fixing the cause and not the effect. If it has been too long and you feel that your relationship is getting neglected and starting to suffer, it’s time to do something about it and get things back into gear.
Eroticism can be experienced in many ways and it doesn’t always have to be through intercourse.
If having an active, erotic life is important to you, you have to take ownership of it by making time for each other.
I suggest to skip watching TV a couple of days a week and keep your phones and other distracting tools out of the bedroom. If they must stay in the bedroom place them on aeroplane mode and don’t use them in the thirty minutes leading up to bedtime.
For some couples it works to have planned sex on a Saturday night, and for others they prefer the spontaneity. However if you have lacked intimacy in your relationship, it is important to set some time aside, and not just to schedule sex, but to have an hour or two of ‘connection time’.
Eroticism can be experienced in many ways and it doesn’t always have to be through intercourse. Try by lying next to each other with your clothes on or off, and just kiss and touch for a while, or just cuddle and connect. You’ll discover how connection and intimacy is starting to build. Also, why not whisper into each others ears about the things you appreciate about one another, or what you find attractive about your partner. Just go with the flow and try not to put too much pressure on each other. Most important is that you are both showing up, and you both get the feeling that you care about each other by making space and time to create intimate moments.
To create a healthy and juicy sex life, it is all about discovering each other’s pathways to arousal
Maybe sex has become boring? You might ask yourself, ‘how can I fully tap into my erotic potential?’
Well, the answer is by staying curious!
It is hard to look forward to sex when you are relying on the same script again and again. When we already know what we will get, we tend to get bored and lose that sense of mystery. Mystery and curiosity is a key ingredient to a happy and healthy sex life. Just think of the feelings you experienced when you first met your partner and how you couldn’t wait to discover each other’s pleasure points and turn ons.
Start to bring back some mystery into the bedroom again and create a space that is your 'erotic lab'. Sounds hot, right?! Just think of a chemistry lab, but now move that thought over to the bedroom, and make it erotic through experimenting on each other’s bodies. To create a healthy and juicy sex life, it is all about discovering each other’s pathways to arousal, so why not bring in some fun sensation toys, share a dirty story or reminisce over magical sexual moments together. It will help spice up your sex life and create novelty and mystery in the bedroom.
If you are not sure where to start in the bedroom and how to create your erotic lab, I suggest you take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz, that will help you to understand both your own and your partner’s erotic language. You can also read the article “How You’re Sexually Wired”.
Experimentation is not only fun, but it keeps you in a state of anticipation
In order to cultivate eroticism in your life you must bring anticipation to it, the same way you bring it to other areas of your life. If the idea of planning sex feels like an obligation to you, bring in spontaneity. As I already mentioned above, be careful with leaving sex up to the whims of spontaneity, as it can often result in no sex, but more sleep and TV bingeing.
Why not get creative and bring in some spontaneous erotic teasers? It will help build anticipation and it can result in both spontaneous and planned sex. This doesn’t have to take up loads of time or energy. Even devoting 15 minutes a day to flirt with your partner over text, or maybe send a sexy photo of yourself. Why not get dressed or undressed in front of your partner without allowing them to touch you, but make them watch... Slow dancing together can be very hot too, just think about how it would feel to grind against each other’s bodies..
Plan an adventure date together, that is not just your regular date night, heat things up a bit. See what happens if you just kiss for 30 minutes. What happens if you only touch each other above the waist?
Experimentation is not only fun, but it keeps you in a state of anticipation and longing.
Healing emotions are crucial and it is a constant journey within a relationship and in the bedroom.
It can be quite hard to have an honest conversation about your relationship with your partner and the how you feel, especially if there are things you are unhappy about or that bother you.
I understand you do not want to hurt each other’s feelings and you might be worried about opening up a Pandora’s Box, however communication is crucial, and a lack of it can build resentful emotions between partners.
It is also easy to run into trouble when sexual bids are ignored, dismissed, or even harshly rejected. When your partner is in the mood but you are not, consider expressing appreciation, and try not to act annoyed, appreciate that after all this time together your partner still desires you and explain why you may not be in the mood by starting the conversation; ‘I feel…’ explaining what is happening for you.
Here’s a little tip on how to have the ‘I feel’ conversations: Partner A stays completely silent while Partner B shares their emotions without judgement or criticism; A reflects on what they heard B say; and B clarifies anything that A misunderstood. You can do this to create any deep conversation in the relationship.
There are certain events in a relationship that can also lead to a dry spell, if something has created deep hurt, for example an affair, or certain actions by one partner which has left the relationship in turmoil. It is important to work through the hurt in a relationship and if the hurt is not fatal to begin the healing process. Seeing a therapist can be very beneficial if things are deeply rooted and the relationship feels like it is stuck. Healing emotions are crucial and it is a constant journey within a relationship and in the bedroom.
Sensuality gives you the ability to connect, to awaken and embody pleasure through smell, sight, taste, touch and sound
How do you feel in your body? Do you feel connected to it or do you feel that you are too much in your head? I suggest practicing yoga, which will help to connect to your body through breathing and stretching, and it is also a great way to de-stress.
What about your diet, is it balanced? Eating healthy will give you more energy, boost libido and sex drive and it will lead to you feeling better and sexier in your body.
Do you self pleasure?! If not, get to it and stroke it like you mean it! Get to know that gorgeous body of yours! It’s good for your health and it creates body awareness. Once you get your libido up, you’ll naturally want to have some hot steamy sex with your lover.
And don’t forget to connect with your sensuality! Sensuality means ‘relating to the gratification of the senses’. Sensuality gives you the ability to connect, to awaken and embody pleasure through smell, sight, taste, touch and sound. Explore your sensuality through movement of sensual music, breast massage, look in the mirror and admire your naked body, or explore different touches. Over time you will notice that pleasure will come to you much easier with sensual bliss and embodiment awaiting you
It is time to reawaken your sexual desires and let them overflow into your relationship!
Nathalie Sommer is a Relationship and Intimacy Coach who works with singles and couples to create healthy and intimate relationships so they can feel confident and empowered in and out of bed.
Over the last 13 years her work as an entrepreneur has been deeply rooted in holistic therapies, personal development and coaching. After doing some exploratory work herself, she realised that both her one-on-one and group coaching clients were coming to her with relationship issues so she completed the sex and relationship certification in Erotic Blueprints.
Want to know more about your Erotic Blueprint? Take the quiz
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