What would you like to do sexually if you were brave enough to do it?
And what would you like to do if you could be sure that it would be a wonderful experience and couldn’t possibly go wrong?
Sexually we crave the new and unknown. If your sex life has become mundane or sex has become infrequent, changing things up in the bedroom by exploring your fantasies might just be what the doctor ordered. Exploring your fantasies is healthy and fulfilling them will create a deeper connection with yourself and your partner .
Many of us have a rich fantasy life as our minds have a lot to do with our libido. It is fun to explore and by using your creativity you can take things to another level. There can be so much shame around playing in the realm of the taboo, yet it can be one of the most exciting and liberating things that we can do, so don’t let that little voice stop you from exploring your pleasure. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you have some kinky fantasies. Actually, recent research shows you may actually even be more psychologically healthy if you do practice kinky sex. As long as you do it safely, consensually and with a partner that is supportive.
Why do people like to play in the realm of kinky sex, fantasy and taboo? No one really knows when kinky practices begun or from where they’ve originated, but it seems clear that it’s been always a part of human cultures around the world.
It seems that playing with power, sensation and other aspects of extraordinary sex, is just a natural part of being human. It can even be explored in vanilla sex, but in our modern western culture, we have so much shame and taboo around it. I do believe that slowly this is changing, as we are all wanting to have a healthy thriving sex life and as a society we are becoming more open to alternative lifestyles. I do find that many people ask themselves “why do I like this and why do I like that” when it comes to exploring our fantasies and kink imagination, but why waste time second guessing yourself, when instead you can just move into acceptance. Usually, the asking ‘why’ comes from shame and guilt. You don’t need to seek permission from the outside world. It is your journey, so go ahead and enjoy it!
Are you ready now to move into acceptance so you can explore?
If you’re answering ‘yes’, then let’s go on a journey to explore fantasies and kink.
Exploring your fantasy may just be what you need in your current relationship. It doesn’t’ always mean having intercourse. It allows you to think outside the box and to get your creative hat on. The great thing about fantasies and kinky sex is that it takes time to explore. And who doesn’t love to just dive into the world of pleasure for a couple of hours? Research has shown that one way to increase arousal is to introduce something new into your bedroom play. If you’re seeking novelty and mystery, exploring your fantasies or kinky sex may just be what you have been lusting for all along. It really is the ultimate solution for bedroom boredom.
Are the fantasies in your mind or do you want to experience them?
An important thing to ask yourself is; are the fantasies you have, something you want to actually experience? Or are they something you want to keep as a fantasy and have them only play out in your mind? You see, not all fantasies are required to be put into practice. To be sure, I encourage you to dig a little deeper with that by asking yourself; is the fantasy you’re having only good in your mind because you feel shame around it? If there was no shame, would you want to explore that fantasy? Sometimes asking ourselves in-depth questions, allows us to get a better understanding of what is holding us back from claiming the sex life we desire.
In order to create a hot sex life, we need the masculine and feminine in the bedroom. Someone to take charge and someone to submit. It doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female. It creates the right flow in the bedroom, and it allows you to explore your sexual dynamics in a more profound way. You can take turns in switching roles, or you can establish roles and build from there. Sex will become thrilling and exciting that way, and it will leave you lusting for more.
I know it takes good communication skills to be able to open up about your fantasies, without fear of rejection or negativity on your partner’s part. That’s why I stress the importance of letting go of shame, which is usually what holds us back, and open up towards honest communication. Without it, your sexual relationship will stay limited and most probably leave you feeling that something is missing. If you let your partner know beforehand that you would like to talk about sex, and you want to share something that you feel shame around, you may find it naturally creates empathy from the other person as they know that it is a sensitive topic for you. Also, let them know what you need from them; e.g. to just listen, not to judge, not to make you feel guilty.
Why not start talking about possibilities? You can take turns in letting each other know about some of the things you would like to try. You begin by something small, and you build your way up to the juicer taboo things. If both of you start to open up, you’ll both feel vulnerable, and you can give each other a safe place to express yourselves. Just talking about it feels good and you may discover that it’s liberating and it will create another way of connecting. Often this creates a sense of curiosity and desire before anything even happens. It’s time to leave the judgments out of the bedroom and meet each other with open minds. They may not all be the fantasies you both want to explore, but hearing one another out, and letting the other person know how you feel about trying new things is an excellent way to build mutual comfort and confidence.
I believe that consent is the number one thing to understand when it comes to exploring sexual fantasies and kink. Not knowing your limits and how you want it all to play out can make the whole experience unpleasant.
It’s about giving and receiving consent. Safe, sane and consensual sex!
It's important to use the agreed language, techniques and established boundaries, so both people consent to the bedroom play and activities. We often confuse consent by just meeting each other in the bedroom and to exploring anything that we want, because both people are willing to have sex. But that’s not enough when it comes to kinky sex. If you're going to explore your fantasies, it has to be a big “yes’ from both parties. If it’s a ‘maybe’, then ask yourself, what do I need to turn the ‘maybe’ into a ‘yes’. If it turns into ‘yes’ then great, you can go and explore. But if it stays a ‘maybe’, then it’s a ‘no’. ‘Maybe’ is always a ‘no’! Got it?! The last thing you want is to create any type of sexual trauma in the bedroom with your partner. So, remember, it has to be ‘yes’ from both sides at all times! Now you can let the fun begin…
Is shame what’s holding you back from feeling sexually liberated? Diving deep into your erotic psyche can help you to feel free in a way you have never felt before. Maybe you’d like to be tied up and dominated, or you would like to dominate someone? Or do you crave to be touched and ravished in a way you’ve never been before?
Ask yourself, where is my shame coming from? What do I need so I can let go of my shame? Is it to let go of my parental, societal or other incompatible beliefs? Were you told that sex was bad? Or did someone shame you for wanting to explore something you desired, and you didn’t have the tools or experience to express yourself? Do you just need to feel empathy and acceptance from your partner? Or from yourself? Try to talk to that little voice and tell it that it's ok’. Tell that voice, that you’re allowed to explore. You’re giving yourself permission.
Playing in the kinky realm and being submissive or being tied up, can be a wonderful way to release shame, as your partner will be the one ‘to make you do things’. It may be exactly what you need to rewire your beliefs, by having someone else telling you ‘it’s ok’. It truly is a great way to surrender and experience guilt-free pleasure, because you’re being told what to do. Permitting yourself is the goal.
Let’s look at how some of your fantasies can come to fruition...
You don’t have to drag out the whips and chains to dabble in BDSM. You place one partner in charge and let them guide the encounter verbally. Psychological kink is a beautiful way to get into your erotic psyche and explore your fantasies. Using commands like: ‘no talking unless I tell you to’, or ‘stay still’ can create a highly charged erotic environment. If you want to make it a bit more exciting, you can say ‘put your hands up, and don’t lower them until I tell you to. If you’re a good boy/girl, I’ll give you a pleasant treat, and if you’re naughty, I’ll punish you. ‘
Your brain is your biggest sex organ! Storytelling, using the right sex language and talking about your fantasies, will be sure to get your juices flowing.
Are you ready to get physically kinky? Why not blindfold your partner and surprise them with different sensations? It gets super hot if you’re using different types of touches, tickles, strokes, caresses or spanks with them. Or you can bring some toys into the bedroom, like handcuffs, whips, paddles, feathers…Whatever it is that will make your partner moan for more. Next time flip roles or keep exploring and take things to the next level. An over the knee spanking or being bent over the table can be quite thrilling. Diving into the world of physical kink is all about sensation play and feeling the different endorphins running through you. There’s a big world of kink out there, it really is up to you how deep you want to go.
Remember, if you’re ready to play around with restraint, trust and communication are vital because, despite the control element, it’s important to keep things consensual, safe, and mutually pleasurable. Ensure you have a pre-agreed safe word so you know when the session needs to slow down or stop.
Why not map out some role plays? Is there a fantasy that you'd like explore? Maybe you’ve always wanted to be a secretary that gets ravished by her boss. Or have you fantasised about having a nurse tend every ache? Do you secretly dream of being an erotic amazon deity that is being worshipped, and you can do with your slave as you please? Really, the menu of role play is infinite. If you’re stuck, why not read some erotic stories together to come up with some ideas? Stepping into a role and playing dress up will help you get into character. It is a great way to give yourself permission to explore a side of yourself you have never explored before.
Foreplay starts long before the sexual act. How do you want to get aroused? What would you like to see unfold that you’ve been yearning for all along? Don’t just close your eyes and envision the secretary or nurse; get your drama queen on. Pretending you are someone else not only makes you feel like you are a new person, it allows you to step into an erotic persona that you may have been suppressing for a long time. Now, how empowering is that?!
This is not an uncommon topic and something many people fantasise about. Inviting a third person into the bedroom or relationship can lead to amazing discoveries and excitement. A new and thrilling experience that you both share and talk about later can be incredibly exciting, liberating and often will bring your relationship even closer together. See how comfortable you both are and in which area to explore. But I also caution you, this is something that everyone in the relationship needs to a) feel comfortable with and b) understands the rules of engagement. Don’t go out there fucking other people or invite them into your relationship because you feel like it will fix things and it will allow you to live out your fantasy. There has to be total consent beforehand. Also, your relationship needs to be in a really good place, otherwise it will be a total disaster. Remember; consent, good communication and trust are needed. Otherwise, if you are not quite ready to go there, try watching threesome erotica, that alone can be very hot.
When it comes to exploring your fantasies and kink, there are really no rules on what you desire. Your fantasies can be as mild as yearning to be touched in a way you may have never been touched before. Or maybe you have the desire to be passionately fucked in ways you’ve only ever dreamed off. Or, perhaps you think you’d like to be spanked, choked and punished in a dark dungeon, where you are taken to your absolute limits. Whatever it may be, I encourage you to open yourself up to new possibilities so you can experience a sex life that’s fulfilling, liberating and empowering.
Nathalie Sommer is a Relationship and Intimacy Coach who works with singles and couples to create healthy and intimate relationships so they can feel confident and empowered in and out of bed.
Over the last 13 years her work as an entrepreneur has been deeply rooted in holistic therapies, personal development and coaching. After doing some exploratory work herself, she realised that both her one-on-one and group coaching clients were coming to her with relationship issues so she completed the sex and relationship certification in Erotic Blueprints.
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