The Four Pillars Of Sexuality

The Four Pillars Of Sexuality

October 17, 2018

The Four Pillars Of Sexuality

By Nathalie Sommer 

How do you feel about sex?
Is it something that you enjoy because it’s fun and helps you to relax?
Is sex something you feel that you should enjoy but for some reason don’t?
Or is it something that’s transformational, that gets you to discover some deeper layers of yourself?

We tend to think of sex as something we do, yet it’s a place we go to. We often underestimate the complexity of sexuality and all the different aspects we bring into our sex lives. Opening yourself sexually to someone else is one of the most vulnerable, intimate, raw and passionate experiences you can share with someone else.

But sadly, sex is something we don’t get taught to talk about openly. It often leads to feeling deep layers of shame, experiencing small or significant sexual traumas, power plays, and possibly feeling deeply misunderstood and not fed in our desires. Yet it can also be one of the most amazing, powerful and delicious experiences you can have.

Understanding the 4 pillars to your erotica will allow you to explore your sexual desires thoroughly. So, let’s gain some more clarity on how your body, mind, emotions and spiritual aspects impact the way you experience, think and feel about your erotica.

1. Physical

Sex is all about the right touch and how it can make your body feel orgasmic and lusting for more. Start by asking yourself, what type of touch makes you yearn for more?

Petites Luxures Couple Orgasm

Courtesy @petitesluxures

We tend not to spend enough time exploring our sexual desires and discover the way we’re sexually wired, which can easily lead you to not feeling fulfilled. It's quite common to think that sex entails kissing, moaning, using your hands and mouth on genitals and having intercourse - just think of what you see when you watch porn. Yet there is so much more to it. Do you know what type of touch you like? Is it a feather-light touch? A passionate stroking type of contact? Or do you want it to be firm, having your wrists and ankles gripped? Or do you possibly enjoy more painful pleasure? I suggest that you hone in a bit deeper and discover what your body desires.

Sex is all about the right touch and how it can make your body feel orgasmic and lusting for more. Start by asking yourself, which type of touch makes you yearn for more? And what touch is a turn off to you, one that unintentionally shuts down your body from experiencing pleasure? It’s important to be aware of how your body reacts to pleasure, so you can fully relax and surrender. 

Have you heard of body mapping? Sounds interesting, right?! It really makes me wonder why we don’t get taught body mapping in sex education in school. They educate us on the world map, but no one talks about the map of our body and how it can be explored to feel pleasure!

Where do you think your pleasure spots are? Is it your lips, nipples, your pussy/cock or anus? Maybe it's your ears, neck, inner thighs, the back of your knees, or your ribs? There are so many other parts of our bodies that can feel highly orgasmic. It’s important to explore them all so we can holistically enjoy sex, that way sex will never get boring and mundane. There is always room to discover more and expand.

Here are some tips on how to bring body mapping into the bedroom with your partner:

Start off with the feet, move up to the ankles and explore every inch of your partner's body. Then you turn them over, and you do the same again. Be sure to go slow and to make it juicy. Anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. Use the touches I mentioned above and see which ones your partner likes on which part of their body.  You can use your lips and tongue too, to make it extra hot.

Don't forget to connect with your partner and watch their body language as you explore.  Ask your partner which parts feel arousing, and what type of touch they like most so you know where to go back later and which parts to focus on. Get them to a point where they beg for more and make them quiver...

If you're single, why not have a date with yourself in the bedroom and explore?

2. Mental/Intellectual

The way we think of sex has a significant impact on the way we experience sex!

Petites Luxures Naked Woman

Courtesy @petitesluxures

What happens to your mind when you think of sex? Does your mind think: yum, sex is exciting and pleasurable? Or does your mind wander to guilt, unpleasant experiences, shame or you think of sex as something dirty?

The way we think of sex has a significant impact on the way we experience sex!
Your mind can hold you back from experiencing epic sex and mind-blowing orgasms. If you’re not in the right frame of mind, because you’re stressed or worried, you may not fully enjoy yourself in the bedroom. Do you ever just lay there as you are having sex and you start thinking about the kids, work and so on? Such a buzz kill! But I’m sure we’ve all been there. If this happens frequently, your Core Erotic Blueprint Type might be Sensual. Finding it hard to relax during sex, is a shadow side of the Sensual Blueprint.

(Read the article How Are You Sexually Wired to find out more about your Core Erotic Blueprint and discover how you can change that).

It’s essential that we bring awareness to what’s happening in our mind, so we can create an environment that helps us relax and enjoy ourselves in bed. For many people, crafting the right space (music, candles, lights…) will make it so much easier to get out of our head and into our bodies.

You may also find it hard to enjoy sex if you carry some negative beliefs around sex from when you were growing up. Was sex something that never got talked about in your home? Were you told that it’s something dirty or bad? Or you’ve been told off for self-pleasuring? Embodying these beliefs may have created guilt about your sexuality and your ability to enjoy sex freely. What happens is, we take on these beliefs and make them ours. They may serve us for a certain period of time, but there may come a time where they no longer do, and they create obstacles.

If there’s a little voice in the back of your mind telling you that your wishes are taboo, or dirty or inappropriate, then it’s important to look at where that belief is coming from. This will enable you to begin to rewire your thoughts and open yourself up to what you may have been profoundly craving. How amazing will it be when you can enjoy sex fully without your mind getting in the way?!

And did you know that your brain is your biggest sex organ and connected to your genitals? It's incredible when you stimulate your mind with the right words and how your body responds. So be sure to feed that mind of yours with some hotness that will get your juices flowing.

Sex is something to be enjoyed, to feel unapologetic about, guilt-free and pleasurable. Now make that your mantra! You deserve to feel sexually empowered! It’s time to claim your rights and let go of any limiting beliefs and maybe educate yourself more on how to create a fulfilling sex life. You’re here at The Love Hotel now, why not use the opportunity to spoil yourself with a sensual set of lingerie that will help you feel like the goddess that you are. 

3. Emotional

When it comes to your emotional, sexual health, it also includes feeling comfortable in what kind of sexual activities you want to engage in. 

Your emotions play an essential role in your sex life, and there are a few different factors.

Sexual healing:

If you have experienced some sexual trauma, and you may have, either small or big, you often carry these emotional scars deep inside your body. If something is stopping you from letting go during sex and surrendering to pleasure, it’s crucial to bring your awareness to your emotions, and discovering the trigger so healing can happen. I believe sexual healing is the doorway to ecstatic sex.

Sexual orientation:

Are you owning your desire for the gender that you’re attracted to? What about your own gender identity? Do you feel comfortable about your own gender?

Are you holding back from exploring your sexual desires, because of your inner emotional turmoil about your sexual orientation? If that’s the case, it’s time to be honest with yourself and unfold those layers. Let me remind you, that you deserve all that your heart and lust desires...

Sex and consent:

When it comes to your emotional, sexual health, it also includes feeling comfortable in what kind of sexual activities you want to engage in. How often have you said ‘yes’ to doing something sexually, that you actually didn't feel comfortable with? Maybe that caused you to build up an emotional barrier around feeling safe when it comes to having sex. This can also leave you feeling numb and deprive you of experiencing the best sex of your life. It’s time to say ‘yes’ to what you want and ‘no’ to what makes your body tense up. Allow yourself to go on a journey of self-discovery.

Feelings and sex:

Is epic sex eluding you because you're worried about getting your feelings hurt? Are you scared of opening up about your desires because you worry about fear of rejection? Or that things might get too intimate and you're afraid of having your heart broken? I get it, opening up to someone sexually can be vulnerable. Sex, however, is fundamentally important to humanity.  Sex satisfies our most profound basic human needs for feeling wanted, bonding and connection. Face your emotional issues and work through them. This may take time, but it is well worth the investment if you want to enjoy hot sex for a lifetime.

4. Energetic/Spiritual

When you stimulate and nurture your sexual energy, you awaken your life force, your creative power and strength.

Let’s talk about more than basic fucking and look beyond the physical into the energetic and spiritual essence of sex.

Sex creates life. Without sex, you wouldn't be here reading this.

I’m very passionate about teaching and coaching people to awaken, connect and heal their relationship with their sexuality. Because when you stimulate and nurture your sexual energy, you awaken your life force, your creative power and strength. When you connect with your sexual energy, I believe you’ll experience better sex, deeper orgasms and you’ll feel more connected to yourself and others. Just think of the delicious, deeply connected sex you can have when your bodies melt together, and you create a cocktail of sweat, saliva, semen and pussy juice. At this moment you become one, and you can feel this deep pleasure pulsing through both of you. You can feel each other's arousal and turn-ons in a completely heightened state. It really can’t get more sacred than that. When you open yourself entirely, it’s a glimpse into your heart and your soul. You are totally vulnerable, trusting and sharing your all with the other person that you’re connecting with. Just profoundly beautiful - that’s sacred sex for you.

When you look at the tantra tradition both in India, Nepal and Chinese Taoism, they have always considered sex as connecting with your life force energy. Beautiful, right?! Most Western cultures have a moral, social and legal systems steeped in Christian-Judeo traditions. In turn, we tend to have developed certain social hang-ups around sex.

I encourage you to break the shackles and open yourself up to more!

Nathalie Sommer is a Relationship and Intimacy Coach who works with singles and couples to create healthy and intimate relationships so they can feel confident and empowered in and out of bed.

Over the last 13 years her work as an entrepreneur has been deeply rooted in holistic therapies, personal development and coaching. After doing some exploratory work herself, she realised that both her one-on-one and group coaching clients were coming to her with relationship issues so she completed the sex and relationship certification in Erotic Blueprints.

Want to know more about your Erotic Blueprint? Take the quiz

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